Welcome back, peoples! Despite my efforts to stay local and domestic this year, I succumbed to the travel bug and booked a last-minute flight to Iceland.

Why Iceland? Mostly because I spun an e-globe (i.e. Google Maps), closed my eyes, and dropped a finger down on a random country. I don’t know much about the country — until today I didn’t even know what language they spoke (Icelandic) — but it definitely seems like a land where modern civilization meets kingdoms of previous eras, when vikings ruled the world and elves ran around freely. It’s full of natural wonders such as volcanoes, geysers, thermal baths, fjords, and more. It’s also full of interesting and long names such as Reykjavik, Kerlingarfjoll, Eyjafjallajokull, and Aflugennugenblugen. (I may have made up one of those names.)

I will be traveling once again with Rubin — a friend from medical school who I went to South America and also took a bromance trip with — and our itinerary includes flying into Reyjkavik, Iceland and spending a few days there exploring scenery, visiting castles, eating herring, and similar things. We also decided to hop over to Greenland and see what that country has to offer. As of now, all I know is that Iceland is green and Greenland is ice. Let’s see how true that is.

I’m taking a ridiculous amount of technology with me, including my iPhone, iPad, Canon Powershot camera, and GoPro video camera. Also I’ve packed an odd collection of clothes and items, including thermal underwear, scarves, and gloves (for cold weather) and swimsuit and snorkel gear (for warm weather…I hope).

That’s it for now. See you on the other side.

Today was … memorable. Air Iceland offers day trips from Reykjavik to Greenland, and since it’s unlikely I’ll be in the region again soon, I figured why not visit an extra country (interestingly, Greenland is not entirely independent but rather part of the Kingdom of Denmark.) Specifically we would visit Kulusuk, a small village with no flushing toilets populated by only 200 residents who are Inuits. We boarded our plane and two hours later landed in the faraway village. We were filled with excitement and hope.

We were met by our guide Johann, a Danish man with graduate school education in anthropology living part of the year in Greenland and the rest in Iceland, who led us on our hike from the airport to the village. After an hour of walking and hearing interesting history about the region, Kulusuk — with its brightly colored wood houses — became visible. A bit barren, but we were still intrigued at this point.

How quickly our minds changed. A few hours here convinced us that this small village was perhaps the most depressing community we had ever experienced. The village was essentially a ghost town, with no signs of anyone trying to make a living or wanting to have purpose. And none of the residents appeared to be interested in preserving any aspect of their culture, from their village (covered with filth) to their identity (most were unemployed due to poor work ethic) to even their own health (significant alcohol abuse and more).

It was so depressing it became comical. The only thing we could do to keep us from losing our sanity was make fun of the situation. To more accurately describe our visit there, I will now contrast what our tour itinerary promised with a more realistic itinerary … based on what we actually experienced.

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Your guide will escort you from the airport to the engaging village Kulusuk…

Your guide will lead you on a hike through rocky hills instead of the flatter main road (and say “but if I had Chinese people in my group I’d use the easy roads.”) You will then reach a village littered with trash and where inbreeding runs rampant.

…where you can stroll about and meet some of the 250 local residents and view their quality crafts.

You will see at most 15 local and probably drunk residents, including a man who’s lived in the village for 32 years but was so drunk he couldn’t remember half of it, and “Mrs Unfaithful”, the town prostitute who everyone — except her husband — knows is pregnant.

You’ll be treated to kayaking demonstrations and an ancient drum dance reflective of the indigenous culture.

They will drag a really old kayak out of a shed and show it to you for 5 minutes. You won’t get a drum/dance show but you will see the dance hall where performances used to be held.

On your return flight to Reykjavík you enjoy a spectacular view over huge glaciers and floating icebergs.

Your guide will charge you an extra $30 then throw you on a little boat filled with guns, going 1 mph (but, you will see icebergs!)

You will also receive a certificate of visit.

You will be treated to a day-old hot dog that you have to pay for yourself.

Lunch or refreshments are not included.

At least they got one thing right.

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Admittedly I’m being somewhat harsh, and I am certain Greenland has much beautiful scenery and unique activities; Kulusuk was just not the place to experience them. I would happily return to other parts of this country especially as part of a trip to the Arctic. Until then, this is one passport stamp that was quite painful to earn.